its not easy letting go......

 "

i have put myself on art creating probation until i have cleared out my storage unit.  i have given myself one month to do it.  this is very hard since i see everything as potential collage fodder.  today i came across a large wooden crate full of old Post magazines -each neatly placed in its own plastic wrap.  a few years ago i was collecting old magazines.  i also found a big collection of old comic books in their plastic slips too. then i found my old Life and my old Look magazines... so fun to page through.

i found an old collections of "my little ponies" that belonged to my first daughter and a huge selection of beanie babies belonging to my second daughter.  my son had saved his own writings - boxes and boxes.  from before the time he could write he would make up stories in stick figures on paper. and  these are epic.   i don't think there has ever been a day in his life when he hasn't written a story. 

i don't want to give them away -or sell them.  in fact, i want to still hoard them.   not even use them, just have them.  what is wrong with me?  

if i haven't used them by now, will i ever use them?  ugh, after awhile i finally noticed that i was just making piles.  i would go through my stuff and place them in a rated pile.  like, "have to keep", "would like to keep", "maybe i should keep" or "thinking about it".  i really was not getting far.

for several days i have taken everything out of storage, re-boxed and replaced it back into storage about 10 times.  i feel like a hampster on a wheel.  i am a slave to my hoarding habits.  dear mother of god can someone please help me?
so i used this painting of the "backward glance" to show my mood....not really leaving just looking like it.

so many times i have found something that i had totally forgotten about ----and for sometimes past an hour i would be off into memory lane.  not getting anything done at all.
i try to tell myself to not look back-to stay the course and clear out - but, if not for memories, what are we?   (i think i made that up and i am proud of it).
i have been itching to get back to painting - i found about 100 big unused canvases in my storage unit.  ok ok maybe not quite a hundred, maybe 10, er, 6 or something.  uhm,  and maybe some of them were used ...... so i will gesso over the top of them. and start again.
but, ugh, i can't  paint until i finish the storage unit clear out..........my life feels like a large circular wheel,  round and round for eternity.
hey wait, did i just hear my voice echo ?  uh-oh i think i have taken too many things out of here.  i better go look for the ones i have thrown out.  tick. tick. tick.