Monday, May 12, 2008

unexplained depression.......

perhaps it has something to do with mother's day although it was a fine day, maybe remembering my mom who has been dead now over 15 years, i don't know. maybe it has to do with a shifting in my art style, or my health or, perhaps some cosmic change, a strange alignment of the moon and stars, i really can't pinpoint it, but i do know, i am very depressed. unflinchingly depressed.
it happens sometimes, i am prone, i inherited it from my mom's side, my uncle was hospitalized more than once for long periods of unshakable depression. he had to go through some form of shock therapy. and grandpa too. i hope i don't, i shouldn't. have to be shocked.
so i called kaiser today to get an appointment in psychiatric as i have been through this so many times before, i know i can't overcome it by will alone. it is chemical, not a mere state of mind or bad mood. something triggers it. it could even be triggered by a happy event, but something happens that screws me up chemically and it takes medicine to set me straight again.
tonight my husband thought a large margarita would lessen it for me - but alas, that failed.
kaiser, those shits, gave me the soonest appointment for june something. june, can you believe it? thats a long way off when fighting depression tooth and nail every minute of every hour.
tomorrow i will stay home, inside the house in my PJs and paint all day - see if i can paint it away.
times like this, i am bad company.
i'm sorry chuck and toni.....i was bad company at lunch today. one thing is for sure, there will be better times ahead. i know because i have been through this cycle so many times.


Linda said...

How brave and honest to talk about your depression. I too have inherited the same gene. and when it descends on me I call it "nausea of the spirit" or more recently when it hit me slipping down the slope of life.
Those lucky ones who don't experience have no idea how it takes over your life. Be strong - it will end soon if not already. You are among friends.

A Kindred Spirit

C~ said...

No worries, lady... Chuck's stupid-happy enough for all of us! Except when he's havin' to eat a meager Garden Burger while the two of you had HUGE salads!!!

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