Thursday, January 3, 2008

transcending downward

i know, how can you go up as in "transcending" and be going down at the same time? well, that is this painting. Ruby (my mom) is traveling downstairs yet, in a transcended or ghostlike form...i feel like that today actually. not dead, silly.
just...... i feel too tired or "stuck" to create anything (downward), yet feel like something (i don't exactly know what)is welling up inside me - maybe something will burst, transcending me up a notch.

i complained about feeling this way to my daughter, Brooke today. i told her i didn't know what the matter with me was, i don't feel like doing much - usually i have very BIG art plans on the horizon, lots of energy. she told me that i was merely having a "fertile void".

i like that. i think it means that while i am living an emotionally hulled out, shell -like existence these last couple of days, my brain and creative juices have been resorting and rejuvenating.

gawd, i hope so

i think actually i am at wit's end because i have NOT yet got my studio sorted out. i heard a couple of days ago, the city closed escrow and the studio has been eminent domain-ed - the studio will soon be a new hospital. dang.
that leaves me at home still trying to squeeze my huge studio into two bedrooms. i think i need the entire house -- but what would become of my family? it's a tough call.
i don't know what to do. i love having a studio in an art community, but it is so far away - about 25 minutes drive one way. if i chose to have it close to home, will it be a mistake to establish myself away from the big art scene? does anyone out there have an opinion about this?
i'm nervous about the change. i have collectors in escondido area. i sure don't want them to forget me.
what would Ruby do? where is paul cezanne when i need him, i bet he knws what i should do (see previous post in december about the gypsy and the fortune teller). or even grandma.......i smell lavender....

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