personal hell

i enjoy art making i really do, but sometimes things just don't come together in the time frame i need them to.
like today. and all week.
and last week, actually, i have been working on a project for publication. it is several chapters of a book. the deadline is.... what is today? oh yeah, the middle of this month.
anyway, i FINALLY came up with the concept on friday. i dug up materials and visited michaels a few times, unnecessarily, but still managed to get "stuff".

the "stuff" is a big mistake because during an emergency predicament like this, i don't have time to put "stuff" away or organize it. what happens is my pile of "workable materials" and my workspace begin to grow a union and then a little family spouts into more of out-of-control "stuff". it overtakes everything..... until i have lost my project pieces that i have already created. now what? i create them again with a few "damn it"s to boot. they are added to the mix and i lose them again. before i know it i have multiples of creations and have lost my place, which ones were the right ones - where was i in this project anyway? jesus, i need a break....hmmmm, i think i will go to michaels...
see my problem?

usually the deadline wall slaps me out of it and makes me frail into action. i begin to clear away the unimportant stuff like beer and wine bottles, half eaten sandwiches and coffee mugs from 6 different mornings. and oh, that's where the loaf of bread has been hiding. damn, it has green stuff growing on it. i hope i remember to throw that out.

sometimes my workspace gets so overcrowded, i can't find my painting tin which is a gallon size water bucket!!!! it is a mess.
what i need and can't find are things like the scissors, double stick tape, water soluble crayons, the 36" "t" square or my bird-shaped punch. oh hold on - i don't have a bird-shaped punch - i need to get one!

i buy this stuff so that i don't have this happen to me. i want everything at hand, so that all i need to do is reach over and get it not disturbing my train of thought. i don't get why i can't accomplish this. i dream about it enough.

i can't tell you how many, many times i have rinsed out my paintbrush in my drink. or i drank from the water bucket. OK, maybe i catch myself in time for that one...er, i think. i hope.
i have not gone out once this week without paint on my face or pants that fit. (not sure where my workspace gets me confused about my pants, though) anyway, i don't have time to look in he mirror.

today was a school vacation, rosie wanted to spend some quality time with me. she and i work side by side most of the time doing art projects of one kind or another...but today she had attended an early morning swim practice and was tired and felt like watching tv most of the day. that's OK. i am in the same room quietly going through my personal hell, so still we are together. BUT what she wanted me to do was sit and watch the new TV spongebob squarepants movie with her. OK, ok, i can do that...but, no, she wanted me to sit next to her and watch spongebob.....pfffft, i give up. so i sit on the sofa and watched the spongebob movie (called "atlantis, squarepantis". i liked the name). she cuddles up, shares her blanket, throws her legs over mine, gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek, all with a very broad smile. she was as happy as can be.

heavy sigh. i'm so glad i broke away from my hell and did that.
she will be 13 next week...i don't know how many more spongebob movies we will watch together.....and you know what, the movie/daughter break was what i needed...not a "michaels break". and, after she went to bed, i finsihed the project!
more or less.
and now i have entered a post on the blog...i think i might even have a good night's sleep.


BTW, i can't reveal what the project is until it comes out at barnes and noble in six months. sorry.

i put up my geranium painting to remind me that the plants need watering.
nighty-night.